For
the first time in a week Tarin Veal fully enjoyed herself. A little guilty
feeling remained inside for just relaxing under the tropical sun while others
worked day and night to rebuild the Federation, but today she had finally
managed to push this feeling back almost to obscurity. All that seemed to matter
now was the warmth of the sand below and the sun above. And why not? She was a
Captain without a ship – Starfleet Command had finally decided to scrap the Eclipse
and reassigned her former crew to other duties. So Tarin was left without any
immediate duties and someone had decided that she was entitled to a vacation.
Tarin
was in the middle of making the difficult decision between going for a swim,
getting another drink or just staying where she was when her idle thoughts were
interrupted by a sound she recognized all too easily. She kept here eyes closed
until the shadow of the approaching shuttlepod fell on her face. Sure enough the
pilot set his craft down no 50 meters away from the small boarding house where
she was staying. Tarin craned her neck to watch the pilot walk over to the
terrace and speak with the proprietor who pointed in her direction.
‘Oh
great! He’s come for me. Well, what did I expect, another vacationer?', she
asked herself as she turned on her stomach to better watch the newcomer without
straining her neck. As he approached, Tarin could see the insignia of a
Lieutenant on the mustard colored uniform. The young officer stopped a
respectful distance from her and addressed her.
“Captain
Veal?”
“Yes”,
she answered. “What is it Lieutenant?”
The
Lieutenant stood to attention and looked at a point on the horizon, well above
the bikini-clad Centauran. “Your presence is required at Starfleet
Headquarters, Ma’am. Admiral Avanessian has ordered me to fly you back to San
Francisco at your earliest convenience.”
Slowly
Tarin stood and brushed some sand off her arms and legs.
“Very well. I just need to pack a few things and get back into
uniform.”
She
didn’t wait for the Lieutenant to answer and started her way towards the
boarding house. ‘Whatever it is, it better be important’, Tarin thought, at
the same time knowing that the Chief of Fleet Operations didn’t call on a mere
Captain for unimportant reasons.
*
* * * *
“May
I have your attention, please.” All talk ceased and everyone focused their
attention on Admiral Avanessian as he activated the huge computer display behind
him. A tactical map came to life, showing all too many Cardassian and Romulan
units within what used to be Federation space. Tarin had a good view of the
display from her seat which was a lot closer to the head of the conference table
than she had expected.
“As
you all are well aware our situation doesn’t look good. The Romulans are
starting to enter our territory with impunity and the Cardassians have turned
into a serious threat to our most vital shipping lanes. Piracy is at an all time
high and the Klingons simply refuse to move out off the systems they occupied
when they helped us beat back the worst of the Romulan invasion five months ago.
We hardly have enough ships left from the war to defend the core worlds of the
Federation and our forces are exhausted almost to the breaking point.”
The
Admiral pause a second for the dire truth to sink in. When he continued worried
faces had turned to grim but helpless expressions.
“About
the only good thing that has come out of the Chaos War is that the Bajoran
wormhole remains closed, so we don’t have to worry about the Dominion for now.
But, ladies and gentlemen, that isn’t nearly good enough. What our forces need
is a sign of hope, a symbol of our strength, a rallying point.” The Admiral
pushed a button and the display changed.
“Ladies
and gentlemen, may I present you with our rallying point, the symbol of our
strength, and our sign of hope; the USS Valkyrie!”
*
* * * *
Catherine
Lee shoved the door aside and wondered for the hundredth time why she still
lived in this run-down apartment.
‘Home
is where your heart is’ she thought while she shut the door and dropped her
bag. She walked straight through her apartment and onto the balcony. The early
morning sun reflected on the shimmering ocean and a thousand broken windows.
Catherine
inhaled the salty air and tried to shut the last few days out of her mind. As
she started her Thai Chi exercises her mind began to clear, but try as she might
a few lingering thoughts remained. She finished her last stance and slowly
leaned on the railing.
She
yearned for the days when Hong Kong had still been her home, the days when she
could go out after work and inevitably meet some people on the streets she knew
or who remembered her as the little girl of other Lees they had once known. Now
all that remained of her city were some skyscrapers looming out of the ocean and
huge flocks of seagulls. All that remained for her was her work; people who had
lost their past just like she had and yet looked to her for hope and
encouragement. And all that she could do was try and help those people, but the
one person she couldn’t help was herself.
‘If
only I could get out of this’ she thought while watching the sun rise on
another wasted weekend. But if she got out of her job, out of her apartment, out
of her past, what would there be left?
When
her communicator bleeped Catherine didn’t react. She just stood on the balcony,
looking out into the nothingness that had become her life. Ignoring the blinking
light on her LCARS display that announced a new message she slowly walked to the
bathroom. ‘Whatever it is it won’t change a thing’ she thought, worrying
more about the workings of the sonic shower than the message she had just
received.
*
* * * *
Tarin
couldn’t help but feel excited at the words of the Admiral, even if the
display showed only a ship of the Galaxy-class in a spacedock above Earth. The
time index revealed the image to be a live feed from orbit and the ship looked
outwardly intact and fully operational. While Starfleet hadn’t been able to
field a Galaxy-class starship since the Enterprise D had been taken to
the yards for a complete overhaul that alone was hardly a reason to be so
excited. And yet Admiral Avanessian seemed so confident and so enthusiastic that
it was difficult not to feel that way herself.
“For
those of you not aware of the details of the Valkyrie project let me
paraphrase the most important aspects.” Another push of a button brought up
technical specifications scrolling over the display.
“The
Valkyrie was originally planned as the USS Ascendant, the latest
Galaxy-class hull we started building before the war. By what can only be called
a miracle she survived the war mostly intact and we have spent every available
resource to get her up to operational status since the war ended.” The Admiral
paused and let his eyes wander from face to face before he went on. “Many of
you will no doubt ask yourself why Starfleet decided to waste our meager
resources on a single half-finished ship, but let me assure you it was no waste
at all. The Valkyrie is outfitted with our latest technology, including
experimental regenerative shields and the one batch of quantum torpedoes left
over from the war. Warp drive and reactors have been upgraded as much as
humanely possible and her crew will be picked from the best and brightest
Starfleet has to offer.”
Again
Admiral Avanessian surveyed the room before he continued. “I still see doubt
in many of your faces and if I were in your place I would probably feel the same
way. Let me assure you that we don’t hope this one ship can win all the
battles that lie ahead of us. What we hope for – no, what we are comvinced of
– is that this ship and it’s crew will inspire hope and confidence among our
officers wherever they go. As a ship of the Galaxy-class she will remind
everyone of what the Federation stood for in the past and named the Valkyrie
she will remind them that there is still a place for fighters and for heroes in
this Federation.”
Many
faces around the room brightened as they realized how right the Admiral was.
What the Federation needed most wasn’t more ships, it was hope. If this ship
could bring back hope to the Federation then wouldn’t it be worth the effort?
Or rather would it be such a big waste to lose a single ship in an attempt like
this, the more cynical minded around the room asked themselves. So all of the
men and women in the room waited with baited breath for the one announcement the
Admiral was sure to make next. All but one that was.
“Starfleet
Command has found it most difficult to decide in whom to entrust command of such
a vital mission, but we believe we finally have found someone worthy of this
command and I am sure you will all agree with me.”
Everyone
had their eyes glued to the Admiral’s lips as he continued. All but one that
was.
“Captain
Veal, will you please join me on the podium?”
*
* * * *
Rishana
Hagen slowly opened her eyes, blinking against the light of the setting sun. She
had wanted to continue her meditation, but there was no more time left. She
stood and stretched her legs. Any second now…
A
shadow fell over the terrace and she reached for her duffel bag. "Lieutenant
Hagen?" a voice behind the young Betazoid asked.
"Yes."
When she had shouldered her bag and turned around she was surprised to see two
Starfleet officers. Rishana had expected only one.
"We
are sorry to cut your vacation short", the older of the two started, "but…"
"I
am wanted back on Earth", Rishana finished the sentence for him.
Both
men looked surprised. "How do you know that? We were told Starfleet hadn't
been able to contact you directly as this monastery has no modern technology at
all."
Rishana
sighed. "I just knew. You could call it a gift, but I wouldn't."
Looking
at her face the two officers knew better then to ask for an explanation.
*
* * * *
The
shuttle slowly neared the spacedock, flying a gentle curve so everyone on board
could get a good look at the starship that rested in the embrace of the immense
facility. Here and there the unaided eye could make out work bees and
spacesuited figures working on the hull of the Valkyrie, but, as Admiral
Avanessian had told Tarin, most of the work was now taking place inside the ship.
Admiring the shining hull and the smooth curves of the large Galaxy-class
starship Tarin couldn't help but feel proud of her new command, even if she
still dreaded the responsibility Starfleet had placed on her shoulders.
When
the shuttle set down in the cavernous hangar bay of the Valkyrie Tarin
was back to the same thoughts which had been on her mind almost constantly for
the last thirtysix hours. Was she ready to not only command this ship, but also turn it
into a rallying point for the forces of the Federation? She had put the same
question before Admiral Avanessian and his answer was still fresh in Tarin's
mind.
"Don't
sell yourself short, Captain", the Admiral had said. "You may be one
of the youngest Captains we ever had and unlike many of your colleagues you
haven't started your career as a command branch officer, but that's quite
unimportant." Admiral Avanessian had set his elbows on the desk and rested
his chin on his folded hands. "Tell me, what qualities do you think
Starfleet was looking for when evaluating candidates for this captaincy?"
Tarin
had taken a moment to turn the question back and forth in her mind before she
answered. "The Valkyrie will be sent to the hot-spots of the Federation and
most likely see her share of combat, so it should be someone with a lot of
combat experience and tactical skills."
"Go
on."
"You
made it very clear that the other half of the mission will be to turn this ship
into a symbol of Federation strength and unity, so her Captain should be someone
well respected too." Tarin had taken a deep breath before she went on.
"Frankly I don't think I am that kind of person. What you need for this
mission is a born leader, some modern-day James Kirk, but that's not what I
am."
Admiral
Avanessian had looked amused when he leaned back into his chair and replied.
"You are right Captain Veal, but you are also very wrong. First of all you
have gathered a tremendous amount of combat experience, not only during the war,
but before it as well."
He
had raised his hand to stop Tarin's reply before she had a chance to make it.
"I know what you are going to say. A captain is only as good as her crew
and you think the success of the Eclipse was your crew's doing more than
your own. Believe me Tarin, I know this feeling, but the ultimate authority on
any ship is her captain. Without a good CO the Eclipse could never have
done what she did. But there is more that you haven't allowed yourself to
realize about yourself and this mission."
"When
Admiral Nomura suggested you as CO for the Valkyrie I started talking to
a lot of people. And the one thing everyone told me about you - from Admiral
Nomura and Ambassador Satek to various Captains and down to the lowliest Ensign
who ever served with you - was that you are someone who cares. You care about
the people under your command and you care about the people that depend on you,
whatever the mission may be. That's why you do what you do and why you do it so
well."
The
Admiral had leaned forward again and his voice had taken on a new intensity when
he had continued: "You were right, we need a fighter for this mission, but
what we don't need is someone who wants to fight. The captain of the
Valkyrie must be someone who is willing to end a fight, but unwilling to start
one. We don't need a warrior to command this ship, we need a protector. We need
someone who cares. And that is what you do and who you are."
*
* * * *
Commander
Enikal patiently waited in line to board the transport that was about to leave
for Vulcan and from there further on all the way to Bolarus. Most of his
belongings were already on board and he looked forward to seeing his homeworld
again. While Starfleet hadn’t been particularly fond of the idea of
transferring him to Bolarus, they knew as well as he did that experienced
officers were in high demand that close to the Romulan border. Dar Enikal knew
that he could make much more of a difference on his homeworld than on Earth and
that his people depended on Starfleet to protect them. That was enough for him
to fight for his decision and in the end he had won the transfer he wanted.
Slowly
the line moved forward and he had nearly reached the airlock when his combadge
chirped. He ignored the faces that turned in his direction and activated his
communicator. “Enikal here.”
“Commander
Enikal, this is the Office of Starfleet Personnel. You are ordered to report to
the office of Admiral Avanessian immediately. You are cleared for priority
transporter access Alpha 7.”
Dar
stepped from the waiting line before he replied. “Are you sure this isn’t a
mistake? I have my transfer orders for Bolarus station and I wouldn’t want to
miss the transport because of some mix-up.”
“I
am sorry Commander, but I am only relaying the orders,” the faceless voice
answered. “All I know is that I was instructed to find you and give you these
orders. If it’s really some mistake you will have to take that up with someone
else.”
“Very
well, I am on my way.” Commander Enikal was already making his way to the next
transporter booth when he added: “Do me a favor and make sure my belongings
don’t travel to Bolarus while I am still here.”
He
deactivated his combadge without waiting for a reply. If this was as important
as it seemed it probably wasn’t much use waiting for his luggage anyway and if
someone had made a mistake that someone would better be ready to replace his
belongings from their own funds should they become lost in transit somewhere.
*
* * * *
The
doors of the observation lounge closed behind them and Admiral Avanessian took
the seat at the head of the table. "So, what do you think of the Valkyrie,
Captain Veal?"
"She
is a fine ship Admiral and the speed at which her completion is going ahead is
quite impressive."
Admiral
Nomura smiled. He commanded Starfleet's orbital shipyards and the Valkyrie
had been his responsibility so far. While Tarin had met him only twice before,
the amicable way he had treated her during their tour of the ship had made her
feel quite at home.
"Excellent!"
Admiral Avanessian seemed to be enjoying himself immensely. "Now all this
fine ship needs is a commanding officer. Have you made your decision Captain
Veal?"
"Yes
sir, I have." Tarin smiled as she went on. "I am sure I will regret it
someday, and probably very soon, but I'll take her if you still want me for the
job.
The
Admiral chuckled. "She is yours Captain Veal and I am sure I won't regret
giving you this command. Now, we have the most advanced Galaxy-class ever built
placed under the command of an eminently qualified Captain, but we still need a
crew." He looked around the room and then addressed Tarin. "Have you
had time to look over the proposals I sent you?"
Tarin
handed a padd to the Admiral. "Yes sir, I have. If you would like to take a
look you will see that some of the key positions are still open, but I have most
of the senior officer's slots filled."
"I
see." Admiral Avanessian studied the padd and handed it over to Admiral
Nomura. "I am sure my colleague here won't like your choice of Chief
Engineer."
Admiral
Nomura took the padd and looked at the position Avanessian had mentioned.
"No I certainly don't, but it was to be expected. Still, losing my best
propulsion engineer will be hard to compensate."
Tarin
turned towards the gray-haired Asian. "With all the upgrades you have done
to the engines I really need someone who knows the warp system inside out and
Commander Tucker does."
"Oh,
I see." Now it was Admiral Nomura who chuckled. "And that would happen
to be your only reason for selecting him?"
"No,
of course not, but it's still a very good and valid reason." The two
admirals joined Tarin’s laughter before going back to the crew manifest.
*
* * * *
When
he strode from the phaser firing range Commander Westmore noticed his second in
command already waiting for him but ignored the younger officer until he had
secured the phaser and logged his results into the database.
“What
is it you want?”
Lt.
Commander Treskat noticed how gruff her boss sounded, but she had become used to
his usual tone of voice a long time ago, so she just handed over a padd to the
Commander. “New orders for you.”
Alexander
Westmore took the padd without looking at it. “All right, spit it out Treskat.
You know that I know that you have already studied every detail of these orders,
so just tell me.”
The
Andorian woman grinned. “Yes sir! Apparently Starfleet wants you to baby-sit
the Captain of the Valkyrie. You are assigned to the ship as Strategic
Operations Officer.”
“Who?”
“You
won’t believe it sir. They really chose Captain Veal.”
“Oh
that just so makes my day!” The Andorian hadn’t heard her CO sound so
spiteful in a long time.
“But
you must admit that her dossier suggests she is more than qualified for the
job.”
Alex
Westmore stopped dead in his tracks and waved the padd under the Andorian's nose.
“Now you listen to me and you listen well Treskat! Whatever dossiers or
intelligence or reports you have, sometimes in our line of work you have to
trust your instincts and all my instincts tell me that this dossier isn’t
worth the chip it’s encoded on.”
“Yes
Sir!” She gave her boss a moment to cool down before she asked: “So what
does your instinct tell you about Captain Veal?”
Commander
Westmore only grunted, but then decided his second in command deserved a better
answer.
“What
all my instincts tell me Lt. Commander, is that this is a scientist who has no
place in a Captain’s chair and that she only got lucky a few times during the
war. She just happened to be in the right place at the right time and now
Command is trying to turn her into a figurehead. That’s what my instincts tell
me about Captain Veal and my instincts have never let me down before.”
*
* * * *
After
Admiral Nomura had returned to his other duties Tarin and Admiral Avanessian
went back to the proposed crew manifest of the Valkyrie. Most of the
senior staff positions had presented no problems and Tarin trusted the Personnel
Office with the choices for the lower ranking officers and enlisted personnel.
Yet one position remained she was rather unsure about. She had saved this for
the end to get routine matters out of the way first, but now she had to bring it
up.
"Admiral,
there is one member of the crew I don't know what to make of and that is the
Strategic Operations Officer. To be honest I don't even think I need one and
this Commander Westmore you suggested lacks the practical experience of starship
work. He is an analyst who almost never left Earth and that doesn't look like
the right kind of person for this position."
The
Admiral rose and typed a long code sequence into the briefing room terminal.
Before he entered the final sequence he turned to Tarin.
"What
you have to know about the position of Strategic Ops Officer on the Valkyrie
is that it was a concession we had to make to the more hawkish members of
Starfleet Command."
Tarin
knew instantly whom he was referring to. "Admiral Collmann."
"Yes.
Collmann is not alone with his ideas, but he is certainly the most outspoken of
the group." The Admiral's grim expression made it obvious how little he
thought of Collmann and his friends. "The hawks would have rather built three
new Defiants than one Valkyrie and as they couldn't get that they
at least wanted to have someone on the ship who would be sympathetic to their
ideas and be able to influence command decisions. All I could do was to
find you someone who isn't part of Collmann’s circle and would still be
accepteable to the hawks. Commander Westmore is that someone."
Admiral
Avanessian turned to the computer again and finished the code sequence. "Here
you have the real file on your 'analyst' Captain, but I never showed you this
and you have never seen it, should anyone ever ask."
*
* * * *
Ben
Tucker flopped down on the sofa and slowly brought his legs to rest on the
coffee table one after the other. After having spent half the day crawling
around the inards of the Valkyrie’s warp nacelles every muscle in his
body felt sore, even in places where he never knew he had muscles. He had
totally missed the visit by Admirals Nomura and Avanessian, but that was
probably for the best. The more time he spent working on the Valkyrie the
sooner he would be finished and the sooner he finished this job the sooner he
would have time for things he loved even more than his engineering work.
On
the other hand, the way his crews had talked about the young captain who had
accompanied the Admirals almost made him regret that he had missed those
visitors. But no, he was a one woman man now and his wild days were long gone.
The
blinking light on his LCARS display finally registered on Commander Tucker’s
mind and he queried the computer: “Computer, what new messages are there for
me?”
“You
have two new messages. First message is from Captain Tarin Veal, second message
is from Starfleet Office of Personnel.”
The
later was probably just some bureaucrat telling him that his request for more
personnel had been denied, but a message from Tarin, now that was something he
had been looking forward to for some time. Suddenly Ben’s body didn’t feel
so sour anymore. “Computer, display message from Tarin Veal.”
The
screen lit up and showed him Tarin’s face. Amusement and urgency mixed in
Tarin’s expression as her recorded voice told him something quite unlike what
Ben Tucker had expected. “Ben, you should have a message from the Personnel
Office by now, but knowing you, you haven’t looked at it so far. Do so now,
it’s really important.” She paused for a moment and continued with some
urgency in her voice. “Ben Tucker, this wasn’t a suggestion. I know you are
still watching me instead of doing what I told you. I will still be here when
you finished with that other message so please read it right away.”
“Computer
pause.” Tarin’s image froze on the screen and Ben brought up the message
from the Personnel Office in another frame of the monitor. ‘Now this should be
interesting’ he thought when he started reading.
When
he had read the message a second time he was still stunned. Now that he was
finally looking forward to spending some quality time with Tarin Starfleet had
assigned him to a post that could take him to the farthest reaches of the galaxy.
Now why the blazes had Tarin seemed so excited? She seemed to know already that
soon lightyears would separate them again. Still puzzled Ben continued playing
her message.
“Now
what you should do first thing in the morning is have your people put a door in
the wall between cabins H-12 and H-13 and don’t argue with me. I don’t have
much time now, but I’ll tell you everything else as soon as I can. Sweet
dreams Ben.” With that the screen went blank.
H-12
and H-13 were the cabins of the captain and the neighboring senior officer’s
quarter on the Valkyrie, but why…? ‘No, it can’t be!’ Ben’s
mind was racing through all the possibilities, but he still couldn’t believe
the only explanation he came up with.
*
* * * *
Tarin
sat down and stared at the computer display until Admiral Avanessian had deleted
the file and assured himself that no trace of it remained in the ship's
computers.
While
the Admiral took a seat himself he remarked: "Now that you know about
Commander Westmore I have some questions concerning your crew myself."
Without waiting for a reply he went on. "First of all there is your choice
of Chief Medical Officer. Do you really think that's wise?"
"It
may not be wise, but he was recommended to me by someone I trust and Starfleet
seems to be short on experienced Medical Officers. I'd rather have him than
someone who has never served on a starship before, even if he has some problems
at the moment."
After
considering this for a few seconds the Admiral agreed. "Very well, you can
have him if he is willing to take the job. If not you will have to swallow the
pill and take someone less experienced."
When
Tarin nodded in understanding Admiral Avanessian leaned back in his chair and
asked the second question that was on his mind. "One other thing I noted
about your crew is that many of them are rather young. I can understand why you
want as many officers as possible from the Eclipse on the Valkyrie,
but some of them have never run a ship’s department before. Do you think these
people are capable of what you will need them to do? They will have to handle a
lot of responsibilities they never had before.”
“I
am aware of that Admiral, but doesn’t the same go for me as well?.”
Absent-mindedly Tarin brushed a strand of hair from her forehead. “I have been
promoted to Captain only a few months ago and I have never commanded such a large
ship. And yet you trust me with this responsibility because you believe I am
dedicated enough to my profession to do it. I chose these men and women for the
same reason; I know they are hard-working people and as dedicated to their jobs
as I am to mine. That’s why I want them on the Valkyrie, but if you
have a problem with any of these choices I’d like to hear it now, Sir.”
“Not
at all Captain. I just wanted to make sure you had picked your crew for the
right reasons and not because you felt obliged to your former crew.” The
Admiral leaned forward again and smiled. “Relax. I don’t want to criticize
your choices. It’s just that we didn’t give you much time to make those
decisions and I want to ensure that you have thought this through. After all,
you will have to live with these choices for quite some time.”
Tarin
relaxed and a little smile crossed her face. “Understood sir. Anything else
you want to know?”
“Only
one more thing. Having Commander Enikal serve as your Tactical Officer and
Executive Officer at the same time will be a lot of work for him. I know that he
has done the same on the Eclipse, but that was a crew of 80. Now he will
have to handle 650 officers and enlisted.”
Tarin
brushed another strand of hair from her face. ‘Maybe I should get a new
haircut soon’ she thought before she answered the Admiral. “I know I am
asking a lot of Commander Enikal by assigning him both tasks at the same time,
but I believe he can do it. He is one of the most gifted Tactical Officers I
know and he is just what you called me; a protector. He cares about other people
at least as much as I do and that’s a quality I need in my XO.”
“Wouldn’t
it be better to have a First Officer who sees things from a slightly different
perspective than you do?” Admiral Avanessian inquired.
“That
is the conventional wisdom, yes,” Tarin replied. “On the other hand I
believe commanding the Valkyrie will bring a lot of difficult decisions
with it, maybe more than any other assignment I ever had. When I make those
decisions I want someone by my side who can remind me of who I really am, should
I ever become untrue to myself. Someone who is too different from myself
wouldn’t notice, but Dar Enikal will and he won’t stay silent about it.”
*
* * * *
Jupiter turned slowly beyond the windows of the Red Spot Cafe. It was late at night and the two men sitting by the window were nearly alone in the large room. They sat in silence until the second spot of Jupiter came into view. Unlike the one the cafe was named after, this one had a ghastly green color and it's borders looked jagged and uneven. Here one of the largest of the flaming ships that attacked Earth a few months ago had found it's end, forever changing the face of Jupiter. The sight brought back memories to both men and the older one set his drink down before he spoke.
"We have both lost our wives during the war, but why is it you are handling it so much better then I am?"
Turan took a sip of his coffee before he answered: "You think I do, do you? Let me tell you old man, it pains me just as much as it does you."
"I never said it wasn't." Dr. Jascar reached for a bottle of whiskey and filled his glass again. Raising it in mock salute to his companion his face turned into a grimace. "All I am saying is that you are dealing with it a lot more calmly then I am." He swallowed the amber liquid in one gulp and waved the empty tumbler under the Trill's nose. "See?"
Only the sadness in his eyes betrayed Turan's feelings when he replied. "Yes, I see, but you are not really trying to hide it are you? Very well, I'll give you your answer."
He stared into space for a moment and composed his thoughts.
"What makes the big difference between us is how our wives died. Isha was taken from me in an instant when half of Thailand was wiped off the map in a matter of seconds. If I had been there at the time I would have become just one more victim, but there would have been absolutely nothing I could have done to save her."
Theron Jascar reached for the bottle again, but then decided to wait until Turan had finished.
"You see, this is the big difference between the two of us," his Trill colleague continued. "I don't feel guilty, but you do. Helena died on an operating table while you weren't there. You think if only you had been there you could have done something to save her and now you are turning all the loss and hurting that's inside against yourself. You want to punish yourself for not having been there for her."
Theron poured himself another drink before he replied nonchalantly. "That's rather insightful for someone as young as you. Maybe you should have become a counselor instead of a physician."
"Don't patronize me you fool!" Turan snarled in anger. "You just wait until I am finished with you!" After a moment he had reached his usual calmness. He looked away from the shocked face of the older doctor and exhaled slowly.
"I don't believe your guilt is why you are drinking so much. For a time I thought you had just crawled into a bottle to drown your feelings, but I guess that's not it. What it really is is that you are running away from your calling as a medical practitioner, because you are afraid that next time someone dies on an operating table it could be you doing the operation. Part of you knows that even you could not have saved Helena, but feeling sorry for yourself and hiding behind a glass looks easier to you then dealing with the fear that someday there may be someone you can’t save. You are afraid you will become that other doctor who couldn't save Helena, because deep down inside you know it would have happened even if you had been there."
Doctor Jascar sighed as he watched the liquid slosh around his glass. "I guess... yes, I guess you are right. But I still don't know what to do about it."
"I know you think you will never be able to practice again, but I think that's just what you need to do." Turan gently placed his hand on his colleague's arm. "For the last ten years you have been both a mentor and a friend to me and it would sadden me to no end if you just quit. That aside, don't you think Helena would have wanted you to go on? I am sure she would have wanted you to continue helping people."
"And I know just the place were your skills would be most welcome right now."
Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5