Chapter Two - Questions are difficult, answers even more so

When the computer woke her Tarin didn’t want to get up, but she had little choice. For a moment she sat on the edge of the bed, her elbows on her knees, chin rested on her hands.

‘What is it about this Tucker,’ she asked herself, but she knew it already. ‘He is so much like Carl. Not his looks, but everything else. Joining Starfleet out of a spirit of adventure, the same honesty and frankness that’s just waiting to break through the surface. He is so much like Carl. It can’t be. I can’t fall for him. What would it lead to?’

Tarin knew what it would lead to and was determined not to let it happen. Three months. In three months Ben Tucker would be gone and they would probably never see each other again. ‘Perhaps that’s not so bad.’ She had had a few short-lived affairs in the past, but each time she knew what she was getting into and had made clear from that start what it was she wanted, that she had no interest in going steady. ‘Won’t work this time.’ This time things were different. ‘Just one evening of dancing and talking and I am almost ready to fall in love with Ben Tucker - ready to fall in love with a man I will lose in a few weeks and all for the wrong reasons.’

‘Why didn’t I just say No and left when I could?’ Part of it had been how he reminded her of Carl and all the memories she attached to him, but there had been more. The self-confidence Ben Tucker radiated had been so much like Carl, yet subtly different in ways Tarin couldn’t quite fathom. Then there was the way they had danced. . . Carl had never been as good a dancer as Ben Tucker was, but that was hardly enough to explain her attraction to this man.

There was an honesty about him, a sincerity... how he had talked, opened up, revealed his innermost feelings to her. . . Or had that just been a ploy? Had he only shown her what he wanted her to know? 

Tarin got up and headed for the bathroom. She must have stood there for several minutes before noticing that she hadn’t switched on the sonic shower. ‘What was I thinking?’ she asked herself, but she knew the answer better than she liked. “No!”

Tarin Veal hit the wall of the shower stall, but neither the sudden outburst nor the soft vibrations of the ultrasonic waves could clear her mind. ‘If only he wasn’t so much like Carl. Perhaps I could fall for another man, start something, but this is all wrong. I can’t go back there, let it happen all over again.’

*****

“Lieutenant! Lieutenant Veal!” Ben hurried to catch up with her. “Yes, what is it, Lieutenant Tucker?” She slowed down and cast a glance over her shoulder.

“For starters, why don’t you stop avoiding me?” She didn’t reply, but at least she stopped. ‘That’s something,’ Ben thought. It had been almost a week and she had been all business, teacher dealing with a student and it was more than Ben could stand.

When he caught up with her she looked at him briefly, then averted her face. “Well, why is it you are going out of your way to avoid me? I can live with a No, but you should at least tell me why.” Ben fought down his frustration, before it took hold of his voice.  “Look, I thought that perhaps we could be more than just colleagues and I had a feeling it was mutual. If I am wrong you should at least tell me so. I’d rather have you tell me what a fool I am than not talk to me at all.”

Tarin still didn’t look at Ben, but she turned her head slightly in his direction and Ben could see the sadness spread across her features as she replied. “We had a nice evening together and I enjoyed your company, but it would be for the best if we limit our relation to our work.” When she went on after a small pause Ben had to strain his ears to understand her murmur. “Despite my feelings for you.”

“But why? I don’t get it.”

“Because you remind me so much of someone. I don’t want to start something only to discover that in my head it wasn’t you I thought of. You deserve better than being a substitute, Ben. Do you understand it now?”

After a moment of silence Ben reached out to her and cradled her face in his hands, gently turning her head towards him. Tarin gasped in surprise, but offered no resistance. “Yes, I understand you now. You are right. I don’t want to be a stopgap, but can’t you see what you just said – that you want to protect me? I know you want to protect yourself just as much, but you care about me.”

He lowered his hands to her shoulders and smiled when Tarin kept looking up to him. “No woman before has bothered to try looking behind my facade, to find out who I really am, like you did. That has to count for something.” He took a step back and let go of Tarin’s shoulders, spreading his arms, letting her get a good look at him. “All I ask is that you give me a chance. Let’s just see what will happen and if things don’t work out for us I’ll leave and never trouble you again. What do you have to lose?”

*****

For the tenth time in as many minutes Tarin glanced at the workstation in the far corner of the library and the man who sat there. Was it a coincidence that Ben had come here shortly after her? It probably was, Tarin concluded. He had greeted her with a polite nod and a “Good evening”, but then had headed straight for one of the terminals by the windows on the other side of the room.

When he had yesterday asked her to give him a chance, Tarin had asked for some time to think things through. While Ben Tucker’s agreement had come only reluctantly, it appeared he was prepared to stand by his word. ‘But he won’t wait forever.’ Not that Tarin wanted to take forever to make up her mind. Ben deserved a clear answer, just as she herself did.

Again she looked up and glanced over the rows of workstations. Tucker had his back towards her and all she could see was part of his head, but she didn’t have to see his face. She remembered very well how he looked.

He was certainly an attractive man, at least by Tarin's standards. Perhaps that was all she needed to know about him. They could have a few nice weeks together, then part with some good memories and go on with their lives. But she realized with a sinking feeling that this was not what Ben was after, if she was any judge of character. 'Is it what I want?' Tarin asked herself as she looked down on the library file again. For once her work could not captivate her, which was more than enough to answer her question.

‘Am I falling in love with this man, despite how little I now about him?’ She knew she was falling for him, no, she had already fallen for him when they parted at the door of Club Diamond, but was it for the right reasons?

Tarin worked her mind hard, trying to figure out what exactly it was about Ben Tucker she found so attractive and how it compared to Carl and her memories of him. 'No, not fair.' Comparing a living breathing human being to memories that she had carried around with her so long that the passage of time had stripped away all the bad and left her clinging to only the good moments, it was hardly fair. 'Well, that's a start. Let's concentrate on Ben for now.'

He had been so open about himself during the one evening they had spent together, revealing to her not only the story of his life, but a lot of his heart, too. And what he had shown her was a man who was intelligent, frank, and perhaps a bit too cocky for his own good. 'Not cocky,' Tarin corrected herself, 'self-assured.'

Once more she looked across the library and recalled the face on the other side of that unruly hair. A face made to smile and grin and laugh, the face of a man who could occupy every room with his sheer presence. Ben Tucker's self-confidence projected outward in an almost tangible way.

But there was another side to him. If he hadn't revealed it to her, Tarin would still know about it. Ben Tucker's reputation had already made the rounds among the Academy staff, at least the segment of the staff prone to gossiping. While Tarin was not part of that crowd, she had kept her ears open whenever someone had mentioned Ben Tucker during the last few days. ‘The guy goes through women faster than Jim Kirk,’ someone had put it. Tarin giggled at that thought, but swiftly clapped her hand to her mouth. The last things she needed was for Ben to turn around and see her looking at him while she giggled like a 15 year old.

No, that was not the man she had met at the club, the man who had confronted her with his feelings less than 24 hours ago, so who was Ben Tucker? 'I need to know more to make up my mind about him. Only one way to find out.'

*****

"Now remember what you agreed to. Just dinner and perhaps a dance or two, but not more."

Ben clapped his hand to his chest right over his heart. "I promise. Whatever makes you happy, I'll do it." He picked up the menu and made a big show of perusing it, turning the pages with grand gesture and furrowing his brows at all the choices, but his effort was lost on Tarin who was turning her attention to her own menu.

Just when Tarin had decided on an appetizer and mulled over the main courses, Ben asked, "Why are we here?" She looked up, but it seemed Ben Tucker was now studying the menu for real and his face was deadpan.

"Because the food is good, and it's quiet enough to talk."

"That's not what I meant." He looked up and their eyes met. "What changed your mind about spending some time with me?" For a second Tarin held his gaze and wondered what was going on behind those dark brown eyes, but too much of her attention was focused on her own emotions.

'Tell him the truth and get it over with.' Tarin carefully put down the menu and folded her hands on the table. She looked down and worried her lower lip for a few seconds. "I want to get to know you better, that's why. I wanted to talk to you, but. . ."

"But you wanted a public place for it, so you could be certain talking would be the only thing I do."

Tarin's head snapped up. "No, that’s not. . . Why do you say that?"

"Because," Ben replied, choosing his words carefully, "I know a let's-just-be-friends situation well enough to recognize it from the start."

She leaned back, astonishment working on her features. "That's a surprise." When Ben just raised an eyebrow at her, she felt constrained to explain herself. "I thought you could be a lot more than just friends with the women you meet."

Ben made a small throwing-away gesture. "Well, there are a few Vulcan girls out there who think otherwise." The broad smile that accompanied his remark was so infectious Tarin couldn't help laughing and Ben Tucker joined her laughter.

When they had quieted down, Tarin reached for the menu again, but her eyes were glued to Ben’s face. "You are not what I expected."

"Oh? So what did you expect? Don't tell me you believe all the stories making the rounds, that I have women fighting over me all the time." While the smile stayed on his lips, it vanished from his eyes. Despite all his outward nonchalance there was a gravity in his voice that touched something deep in Tarin's heart.

"No, I don't believe that Ben, not after what you told me about yourself in Club Diamond. I am just trying to figure out who you really are."

He drew a breath and held it for some time, before he slowly exhaled. "Is that so you can better compare me to that other man you mentioned, the one I remind you of?"

Tarin tapped the menu against the edge of the table repeatedly and turned her head away. "Yes and no. I know you are not Carl, but there is a lot about you that reminds me of him. I need to know more about the part of you that isn't like him." 'And I need to figure out what it is about Carl that I can't let go of.'

"Okay, why don't you tell me a little more about this Carl?"

The only time Ben interrupted Tarin was to order their dinner when the waiter came by their table for the third time. After that he just contented himself with listening to the story of the first time Tarin had fallen in love.

*****

"You know, you are a good storyteller," Ben remarked, "even if you left out a few things here and there."

Tarin put down her glass and her face clouded. It was easy enough to recognize what Ben was referring to. "I am sorry I can't tell you more, but it's all classified. I hope that one day Starfleet will change their mind about it so I can finally talk about it with somebody, but I think I have already told you more than I should have."

Ben nodded. She had indeed told him a lot more than he had expected. How she had met Carl Summers on an Academy survival training in the boondocks of Finland and how he had helped her pass that exam. Tarin had talked about the way Carl had never bothered about her withdrawn attitude. He had broken right through the barriers she had erected around herself and shown Tarin that there could be more to life than sciences and academic studies. When she spoke about her cadet cruise and the day Carl Summers had died it had been in a detached, emotionless way that got Ben wondering if those memories still meant much to her, before he realized how strongly she willed herself to be dispassionate.

He had asked a few questions here and there, especially about the time after Carl’s death, but that Tarin had touched only in passing. Four years on a deep-space survey mission along the rimward border of the Alpha Quadrant, a few remarks about this or that discovery or mission, but always her tale had returned to Carl Summers. "I wish I could have met this guy. The way you describe him I am sure I would have liked him." 

"And I think he would have liked you quite a lot," Tarin replied and a smile blossomed on her face. She added both considerate and understanding to her mental list of what described Ben Tucker. The whole time he had let her talk, asked questions only when there was something she had not explained well enough. Was this how it had been for him in Club Diamond when he had talked about his own life?

"So, how much alike are we?" Ben's question wrested Tarin firmly back into reality and to the issue she was still struggling with.

She toyed with her glass and starred down at the crystal clear liquid sloshing around the glass. "Well. . ." She took another sip of water, before leaning her head back and starring at the ceiling. After a few deep breaths she lowered her head and looked Ben straight in the eyes. 

"You two are very much alike, but not in the way I thought at first. You are like brothers, kindred spirits, I don't know how to put it. It's like you are two sides of the same coin, molded from the same metal, but still quite different."

"Carl was. . .  he was as self-assured as you are, as frank as you, but despite all his easy-going attitude he was so focused, so determined to make his way in the world. . ."

Tarin took another sip, while she racked her brain for the words she needed. "In a way you are what I ever hoped he would become - certain about his place in the world, but a little less Starfleet officer and a bit more just. . . himself. But now, now I doubt he would ever have become like you are. I think you are more aware of who you are than Carl would have ever managed. Better able to look into your own heart."

"You know," Ben softly stated, “sometimes I am not so sure that I know who I am or what my place in the world is."

‘That is the difference between them, the thing that counts,' Tarin realized. 'Carl always measured himself against the world around him, caught in his role as an officer, just as I am caught up in being a scientist, but Ben is just Ben, regardless of what he just said.’

“You know,” she slowly said, “I think I just understood why I never could let go of Carl.” She worried her lower lip, struggling to put her emotions into words. “He always wanted so much to be a perfect officer and worked real hard to achieve it. Now me, I am a scientist at heart, always was, but I am also a Starfleet officer. Whenever my duty required me to be more of an officer than a scientist I asked myself what Carl would do.”

She downed the last of her water. “I loved Carl very dearly and a part of me still does, but in many ways my memories of him have become a crutch, something to cling to when I am at a loss. Instead of asking myself what I should do I ask myself what he would have done. In many ways it always seemed easier somehow.”

Tarin was startled when Ben touched her hand and gently wrapped his fingers around hers. “I think I understand. We all need someone to look up to, some role-model to follow, that’s not so bad in-itself. And perhaps you just give yourself too little credit for who you are.”

She looked from his hand to his face and back down again. ‘Ben wants more than Carl ever did, he wants to grow and change and be true to himself, not just to his work. Perhaps it’s time I try the same, try looking into my own heart for a change.'

For a while they sat in silence, holding hands, but when the music started Tarin led Ben from the dining hall to the dance floor. To everyone who watched them it looked like they had known each other for a long time, their bodies moving in a unison only hard training or deep trust could create.

*****

Ben tiptoed through Tarin’s living room before he realized how silly that was. The door to the bedroom was closed and if anything woke her, it would be the opening of said door and not a few footsteps on this side of the bulkhead. He laughed softly to himself and gathered his thoughts. Tarin usually had a deep sleep, but if he woke her he would have to say something. Perhaps he should just leave her alone tonight, talk to her in the morning. ‘I need to talk to her now, but that’s just not fair.’ No it wasn’t fair. Ben clenched and unclenched his hands several times. Waking up Tarin in the middle of the night and blurting out what was on his mind was something he would deeply regret. Better to wait until morning to give Tarin a piece of his mind.

Ben Tucker turned on his heel and headed for the door that connected Tarin’s quarters to his. It would be for the best to return to sickbay, but after talking the nurse into allowing him to discharge himself from sickbay for one night, he could just as well sleep in his own bed.

In the small room between their quarters Ben stopped and looked around the empty windowless space. He had suggested to Tarin he turn this into a workspace for her. He could set up an LCARS access, install a desk with computer monitor, whatever way she liked it, but so far she had always declined. Why was it she always worked with her mobile computer and padds if she could have a full workstation instead? Was it just a force of habit, years of traveling light from ship to ship, working in cramped conditions during her youth? Or was this empty room some buffer-zone she had unconsciously set up between them?

“No way.” Ben vigorously shook his head to himself, which he instantly regretted. He steadied himself against the wall and waited until his headache had turned into a dull throbbing, which happened mercifully quick.

He opened the door to his living room and after just one step forward stopped dead in his tracks. As he drew a deep breath a grin spread from his lips to his eyes and danced across his entire face. Ben Tucker still had his doubts, but most of them were pushed back into the far corners of his mind by the faint smell that lingered in every corner of the room.

He wallowed in the sensation of Tarin’s fragrance, let the memories of the first time he had met her, touched her, smelled her, wash over him like a rain shower that cleared the air and left blue sunny skies behind.

Ben had spent every waking hour of the last three days recalling all he could about his affair with Tarin Veal, but now he realized how much he had forgotten, how much he had taken for granted, how much he had only thought about her with his mind and not his heart.

*****

Before he reached the door Ben undressed down to his shorts and laid his uniform on a chair. He reached for the keypad and the door slid back into the wall. His bedroom was as dark as the living room but his eyes had adjusted by now.

Tarin’s soft regular breathing told him that she was deep asleep and Ben took care not to wake her as he walked around the bed. Drawing back the covers Ben Tucker gasped. He had thought he knew Tarin’s habits, but this wasn’t one of her usual nightshirts. He starred wide-eyed at the flimsy piece of semi-transparent white silk and lace that revealed a lot more than it hid, until Tarin groped for the covers. Ben let go of the blanket and watched how she drew it around her and turned on her side, her face forming into a dreamy smile.

For a long while he sat on the edge of his bed and watched Tarin’s sleep. Nothing of what he saw was what he had expected; she wasn’t the Captain afraid to loose one of her crew, she wasn’t the girl afraid to loose her lover, not the officer afraid to order someone into harm’s way. She was the woman he loved, the woman who loved him, and that was all there was to it, all he needed to know.

Sometime during the night Tarin turned around in her sleep and draped an arm over Ben. Neither of them awoke, but they both huddled closer and embraced in their sleep.

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