Chapter Four – Present Tense

"Have you slept at all?" Ben asked as he watched Tarin finish her second cup of coffee. Usually she drank no more than one or two cups a week and almost never for breakfast.

"Yes, for about two hours. Counselor Lee and I looked through Rishana's logs until well after midnight and then I went down to sickbay and just sat by her side." Tarin shook her head, lost in her own thoughts. "There is so much about Rishana I still don't understand. All those things she kept hidden from us and we never noticed anything..." Her voice fell silent in mid-sentence and her fingers played around the rim of her empty cup.

Ben waited a few seconds for Tarin to go on, but as she didn't speak again he reached across the table and his fingertips gently touched her hand. "I wish you could talk about it, but I understand that you have to keep this to yourself."

"Yes," Tarin looked away from Ben, out the window, "Yes I have to. I just wish we had learned something that would help Doctor Jascar devise a treatment." She exhaled and stood up. "I should get ready for duty. We will reach the Argolis cluster soon and for now Rishana's fate is out off my hands."

Ben stood up as well and walked across the room to the replicator to get some breakfast. His back still turned on his fiancée he remarked: "You know you are not alone. If you need someone you don't have to look far on this ship."

Something about Ben's voice worried her and Tarin turned around. She could see his face reflected in the shiny black control panel of the replicator and she didn't like what she saw. "Is something wrong?" His face tensed even more at her question and Tarin recognized how frustrated he looked. Ben Tucker started to shake his head, but he had never lied to his lover and as hard as the truth was, denying it would only make things worse.

"Yes, I guess there is."

Tarin took a deep breath and walked across the room towards him. Yesterday her life had been great, almost perfect, but suddenly everything had started to come apart. When she stood behind Ben she placed her hands on his shoulders but still kept some distance between them. "What is it?"

Ben's shoulders sagged and he leaned his head against the bulkhead in front of him. For a long moment they just stood motionless and in silence before he found the words to express his feelings. He hadn't gotten much sleep himself, thinking about their past and their present.

"I wish I had been part of the Eclipse's crew." Tarin almost withdrew her hands from Ben's shoulders, but he went on before she had time to react, his words picking up speed, coming faster and faster.

"I had a long talk with Dar and Moira yesterday and what they told me got me thinking about what we have. Everyone who was on the Eclipse has been through more than I can imagine and yet they see you as part of their family and they look back at it as if it has been the time of their lives. You should hear how Crewman Reto talks about you when he thinks I can't hear him and it's the same with Dar and Moira and a lot of other people who talk about it more openly. Whatever we have, I will never be part of what you share with your former crew. In a way they are closer friends to you than I am."

Now Tarin withdrew her hands from Ben's shoulders and let her arms fall at her sides. After a second of silence she took a step back. "Look at me Ben, please."

Ben Tucker hesitated, dreading what he might see, but then he turned around and looked at the woman he loved. What he saw didn't bode well. Tarin looked down, unmoving, her face hidden from his eyes. When she finally spoke she choose each word carefully and deliberately.

"You are right. You were not there and you are not part of it. What I share with my former crew is a deeper and closer relationship than a starship captain should allow herself to develop with her crew, but this is how things are."

She looked up to him, but for once Ben was unable to read her emotions from her face. "What we two have is something special that none of them could replace. Being jealous of the friendship I share with some of the crew is childish and stupid." Tarin turned her back on Ben and took a step away from him.

"If you think my friends are closer to me than you are because of what we went through, than you should hope we will have another war soon. That way you could find out what bonds it will create between us." She strode from the living room without looking back.

When Tarin returned from the bathroom a few minutes later Ben was gone. She knew she had been right to call his jealousy stupid, but Tarin wished she had found other words and that she had said more, let him know how much she really loved him, but it was too late now. She grabbed her combadge from the coffee table and clipped it to her uniform. Breathing deeply she tried to concentrate on her job, but as hard as she tried, some nagging memories of what she had found in Rishana's personal logs remained.

Could the future really be accurately predicted? Was there something like fate and if it was, was it really set in stone or could it be avoided? And what about the one vision Rishana had mentioned in her logs, the one that explicitly mentioned Ben and Tarin, could that future be evaded or had Tarin just taken the first step towards what she wanted to avoid at all costs?

* * * * *

When Ben stormed out into the corridor he literally ran into Counselor Lee. He grabbed her and steadied her before she could fall down, but it was a close call.

"I am sorry, Counselor." He withdrew his hands and looked down at the petite Asian. She seemed surprised and a little exhausted, but Ben hardly noticed. He was still too wrapped-up in his own emotions.

" I am alright, no need to worry." Catherine looked over his shoulder at the door he had just come out off. "I was looking for the Captain. Do you know if she is in her quarters?"

"Why do you ask me?" Ben snorted. "Ask the computer, he probably knows her better than I do." He strode towards the next turbolift, ignoring the Counselor's gasp.

Catherine Lee hurried to catch up with the Valkyrie's Chief Engineer and managed to squeeze into the turbolift before the doors had completely closed. "Deck 10," she called out after Ben had ordered "Deck 36" and the turbolift had started to move through the ship.

It took only a few seconds until the lift had reached deck ten and the doors opened again. The Counselor took a step forward to keep the doors from closing and looked into Ben Tucker's eyes. "Why don't you join me for breakfast, Commander?"

"What is this," he asked with a frown, crossing his arms over his chest, "an invitation to a counseling session?"

"Do you think you need one?" The astonishment she put into her voice was clearly faked and her dry smile showed Ben that she didn't really intend to fool him. His lips twitched into a very small smile, but at least it was a smile.

"No, but I could use some breakfast, too." He followed her out of the turbolift and they walked in silence towards the bow of the Valkyrie. Ben expected the Counselor to lead him to Ten Forward, but she turned right and entered one of the smaller lounges that lay on the forward edge of deck 10, to port and starboard of the larger lounge.

Catherine was satisfied that the room was empty, but she hadn't expected anything else. Most of the people who came to this part of the ship went to Ten Forward and ignored the smaller, but equally comfortable rooms nearby. It probably had to do with the bar and the real spirits Crewman Neldon presided over, but Counselor Lee had found the quiet and the view of the stars the smaller rooms offered a perfect place to gather her thoughts.

Ben was surprised when the Counselor gave her orders to the replicator for a meal he would have considered he full Chinese dinner for two. While she carried her laden tray to a table by the window Ben ordered toast, scrambled eggs, raktajino and orange juice, even if he was not feeling very hungry.

While they ate he eyed Counselor Lee from time to time and he was amazed when he noted that she obviously intended to eat her whole oversized breakfast. "I guess you eat very little besides breakfast or otherwise follow a strict workout regime."

Catherine Lee laughed softly. "Neither. I can eat as much or as little as I like without gaining or loosing much weight. It's just how my metabolism works. But," she added, "as I like to eat, I take the opportunity whenever I can."

Ben chuckled. "You should get in touch with Tarin. You like to eat and she likes to cook. You two should get along quite well." He regretted that remark the instant he made it, but now there was no going back.

"I know. She invited me to a home-cooked lunch a few days before we met the Klingons and I hope she does so again." Counselor Lee was still smiling, but as she went on the smile slowly vanished from her face. "I am surprised you are not having breakfast with her. On the other hand the last twelve hours have been rather demanding on her..."

"And so you think she may just need a little time to herself, is that it?" Ben reached for his glass and looked down at it. "Believe me, I know that she needs some breathing-room now and again. That's true in any relationship and I know that her duties must be quite demanding from time to time – I only run the engineering department, but it's tough enough some days, so I am aware of the need to just gather your strength once in a while."

"But that's not what troubles you?"

He still didn't look up and toyed with his half-empty glass of orange juice as he considered her question. Why should he even talk with the Counselor about Tarin? All that had happened was a little misunderstanding, probably caused by too many beers and not enough sleep on his part, and yet, what if that was not it? What if there was something that troubled Tarin he didn't know about? Looking back at their talk in her quarters he realized that there was something about Rishana's logs that had worried her and in hindsight it became obvious to him that it was not just her decision to read one of her officer's personal logs.

He downed the rest of his orange juice and got ready to stand up. "If you will excuse me, Counselor, my shift starts in a few minutes."

Catherine watched him carry his used dishes to the replicator for recycling and considered if she should reveal anything to him about what she and the Captain had learned from Lieutenant Hagen's personal logs. No, she shook her head, she couldn't tell him, but maybe she could give him a few pointers in the right direction.

"Commander Tucker." He turned around and met her gaze. It didn't take him long to realize that she was struggling with something, but while he was prone to speak his mind, once in a while he realized when to keep silent.

"I can't tell you any details about what we have found in Lieutenant Hagen's quarters, but there is one thing I think you should know." Catherine Lee breathed slowly, concentrating her inner energy as her father had taught her during countless hours of Tai Chi exercises. "Something we have learned had a profound effect on the Captain on a very personal level and if she feels about it as strongly as I suspect, being forced to keep quiet about it must hurt her more than you can imagine."

"I see." Ben was starting to feel a little better. He had been a fool to just run out on Tarin and for a brief moment he wondered how long he would have to pay the price for his self-centeredness. "Thank you, Counselor." He nodded and made for the door, leaving Catherine Lee to her own thoughts.

* * * * *

"We have reached our destination," Commander Enikal reported.

"Helm, go below warp and continue at one-quarter impulse on our current heading." The male voice that answered her with an "Aye, Captain," startled Tarin Veal and she looked up, for the first time fully realizing that Rishana was not at the helm controls. For half a day Tarin's thoughts had been constantly with the young Betazoid, but she had not yet gotten used to the thought that Rishana was missing from the Valkyrie's bridge.

"Forward view on main screen," she ordered and the brightly glowing nebula surrounding the Argolis protostar cluster suddenly filled the viewscreen of the Valkyrie. Tarin had always been able to relax when viewing the stars, even while her primary occupation had been to study them, but not today. She had always tried to plan ahead, but what awaited the Valkyrie and her crew at the Argolis was something she feared at a subconscious level – suddenly the future was something she didn't look forward to and it had turned into something she felt not ready to face and yet she couldn't escape it. The present advanced into the future with every passing second and there was nothing she could do about it.

A part of her mind suddenly wished Rishana would never awaken from her coma. At least that would save Tarin from one possible future.

Tarin almost jumped out of her seat when she realized what she had just thought. Rishana was her friend. Wishing that she would never wake up was the most horrifying thought she had ever had, regardless of her reasons. No, the only thing Tarin could do was to continue what she ever always done – trying her best and hoping all would turn out well.

"Anything on our sensors?" she asked, without turning her eyes away from the viewscreen. She could have checked herself on the new holographic display, but subconsciously Tarin avoided that possibility, as it would only remind her of Ben and what had happened an hour ago. She had been stupid to let the last night interfere with her private life, but now there was nothing she could do about it anymore.

"Not a thing," Commander Enikal replied from the tactical station. "but," he added, "as the Malinche is supposed to start her investigation on the opposite site of the cluster, she won't show up on our sensors and we don't expect anything out of the ordinary, do we?"

"We will see about that." Tarin reluctantly activated the holographic display and studied the three-dimensional map that came to life in front of her. It was a composite of star-charts and the latest sensor-readings. About one third of the Argolis cluster lay in neutral space and if the Cardassians were up to something this would be the center of their activity. During the last few months the Cardassian military had avoided any head-on confrontation with Starfleet and if they hadn't changed their patterns they would prefer to operate from neutral territory.

"Helm, set a course to 278, mark 008, full impulse. Engage when ready."

"Tactical, I want a full sensor sweep of the cluster. Report anything out off the ordinary immediately."

Tarin spoke to the thin air now, but she knew the computer would pick up her voice and relay it as required. "Commander Westmore, this is the Captain. Please come to the bridge."

"Acknowledged, Captain," Alex Westmore's voice answered from the bridge speakers.

* * * * *

When Tarin heard the doors of the turbolift open she looked up, but seeing Ben enter the bridge was quite a  surprise and she was sure it was apparent in her expression.

Ben started to make his way down the ramp towards the center seats of the bridge, but when Alex Westmore entered the Valkyrie's command center from the second turbolift and headed straight to the Captain's chair, he turned around and got seated behind the engineering station.

"You wanted to see me, Captain?" Commander Westmore sat down in the chair usually taken by the Executive Officer, but for now Commander Enikal manned the tactical station.

"Yes, Commander Westmore." Tarin tore her eyes away from the engineering station and looked at her strategic operations officer. "As far as I can tell you know the Cardassians very well. If they are operating in this sector at all, what can we expect?" As she listened to his reply, she found it more and more easy to concentrate. To Commander Westmore nothing but their current situation seemed to matter and while he was most likely unaware of it, his professional attitude helped Tarin a lot to focus her mind.

"In this region we can expect to run into ships that belong to either the second or sixth order," Commander Westmore intoned. "Both use the most common Cardassian ships, that is Galor-class cruisers and Hideki-class attack ships, with a few Keldon-class ships thrown into the mix. As all Cardassians, their commanders like to operate in groups. If we find one of their ships, one or two others are probably close by."

"I see." Tarin slowly nodded in his direction and zoomed out on her holographic display. She pointed at the star-chart when she asked: "Considering our current intelligence reports, how do you interpret the latest reports we have on Cardassian ship movements?"

Alex Westmore drew a deep breath and slowly exhaled. This was his area of expertise and yet he was somewhat dumbfounded. "If the reports are correct there are several Cardassian ships operating in this sector, but I can't see why they would do it. The Argolis cluster offers them a hiding place from our sensors, but if they want to attack any of our strategically valuable installations in this sector they would have to go around the Argolis and loose this advantage. Gathering ships in the sensor shadow of the nebula makes some sense, but they can't stay out off our sights forever, at least as long as they keep to the outskirts of the cluster." His pointing finger drew a circle around part of the holographic star-chart to indicate the most likely hiding place of any Cardassian forces.

"The only way for them to build up a sizeable force in this region and avoid our detection at the same time would be to operate inside the cluster and frankly I can't see how they would be able to pull that off."

Captain Veal starred at the display for a few seconds, but she knew the Commander was right. If the Cardassians wanted to move against one of the closer Starfleet installations they could do so just as well from within their own territory and hiding ships inside the Argolis cluster seemed out of the question. Tarin had studied her first protostar cluster when she was fifteen and she knew how difficult – virtually impossible – it would be for a large starship like a battle cruiser to navigate through the sensor interference and gravimetric shear. Moving a whole battle group through the Argolis was out of the question, but nothing else the Cardassians could try would explain the sensor readings Starfleet had received. Maybe the intelligence reports were in error, but whatever the explanation was, they had come to find out the truth.

Tarin noticed that the Valkyrie was nearing the border of Federation space and she nodded to Commander Westmore. "Thank you, Mr. Westmore."

"Helm, come about to 083, mark 075 at half impulse." Slowly the huge starship swung around and headed 'up', on a course parallel to the Federation border. For now Captain Veal wanted to rendezvous with the Malinche, instead of running into any Cardassian ships.

Dar Enikal leaned across the tactical station and slightly lowered his voice while he asked: "Any particular reason we are heading in this direction?"

"No, not really." Tarin craned her neck to look over her shoulder at the Bolian XO. "We need to rendezvous with the Malinche, but the direction we take around the cluster I chose more or less at random."

* * * * *

Ben sat at the engineering station for about an hour before he decided what to do, but most of the time he had been going about his duties instead of thinking about his personal problems. Commander Tucker was still a Starfleet officer and the diagnostic of the impulse engines he needed to run was something he could do from the bridge as well as from the engine room. Once he had finished the diagnostic and directed one of his engineering teams to correct a small variance in the deuterium injectors he was dismayed to see Commander Westmore still seated by the Captain's side. On the other hand there were other ways for a private conversation with Tarin, even if he would have preferred a face-to-face talk.

It took Tarin a few seconds to notice the blinking light on her computer display, but once she did she called up the text-message on her screen. 'I am honestly sorry for making such a fool of myself', Ben's message read. 'Can we talk about it, maybe during lunch break?'

Tarin leaned back, allowing her thoughts to run their own way. She had always believed that by their actions people forged their own destiny. Just because Rishana was believed in some kind of unchangeable fate couldn't completely change that conviction. Even if Rishana was right, and apparently she had a few doubts herself, what did it mean to Tarin? She couldn't just give up and believe nothing she did would make a difference, but even if her future was unalterable she still had the present, however brief that fleeting moment in time might be.

She sent a reply message to Ben's station and deactivated the holographic display. Tarin stood and strolled towards her ready room. "Commander Enikal, you have the bridge. I'll be in my ready room."

"Aye Ma'am." Commander Enikal nodded in her direction and made his way down to the CO's chair, while another crewman took his place at the tactical station. For now the Valkyrie seemed to be all alone without any other ship in sensor range and at their current speed it would take them a few days to meet the Malinche, so there was no need for the Captain to stay on the bridge.

Commander Tucker probably had the same thought when he left the engineering station on the bridge two minutes later, but Dar was surprised to see him enter the Captain's ready room. Ben and Tarin had always kept their relationship to off-duty hours and Lieutenant O'Shea obviously had the same thought.

"What's with those two?" she asked, looking over her shoulder at the Valkyrie's Executive Officer.

Dar frowned. "That's none of my business and that goes for you as well."

"Yes, Sir." Moira turned to her ops station again and silently she agreed with Dar Enikal. She had her duties to keep her mind occupied and during off-duty hours there were other relationships that would keep her busy - or rather possible relationships. She was still not sure about her feelings for the Bolian Commander, but seeing him so depressed the last evening had upset her more than she cared to admit, even if he had quickly recovered from it.

* * * * *

When Ben entered the ready room Tarin jumped off the couch and slung her arms around him before the doors had completely closed. Her passionate kiss startled him and he quickly eased them apart, but only to take a breath.

Again he drew her closer and he felt her body relax in his arms as she pressed against him and her eyes slowly closed. When their tongues touched Ben felt something electric jump in his body and for a minute they were just two people in love – nothing more, nothing less.

When they finally edged apart Ben noticed he was breathing heavily, as was Tarin. For a moment they just stood there, her head rested against his shoulder, his head rested against hers. Ben took another deep breath, indulging in the smell of her hair and the warmth of her body.

As Tarin drew him down on the sofa Ben didn't resist her gentle pull. She offered him a chance to be close to her and that was all he wanted. Tarin gently caressed his face and his hand found its way to her hip without a conscious thought.

Tarin almost lost herself to Ben's touch, but she needed to talk to him, to explain as much as she could.

"Ben, there are so many things I want to tell you, so many things I want to talk about, but I can't." She looked up to his face and all Tarin could see was how glad he was that whatever had stood between them a few hours ago had apparently been resolved, even if he could not yet understand how or why it had happened.

"It doesn't matter to me," Ben softly stated, "as long as you know how sorry I am for making such a fuss about something that shouldn't be important to us."

Tarin drew a deep breath. "You are right, it shouldn't matter to us. We should enjoy what we have while we can and for now I am determined to do just that."

"I won't complain about that." Ben grinned, but he fully realized what Tarin had just said and the grin quickly faded from his face. "What is it that makes you doubt our future so much?"

Tarin looked into his eyes while she answered him. Ben had a right to know what little she could reveal to him. "I have some reasons, but that aside, I always wanted to be with you, no matter what the future may have in store for us. The present is what is important, so why don't we just see where that takes us?"

"Captain Veal to the bridge," Commander Enikal's voice suddenly sounded from the hidden speakers and the urgency of his voice left Tarin little choice.

Prologue    Chapter 1    Chapter 2    Chapter 3

Chapter 4    Chapter 5    Chapter 6    Chapter 7